This Christmas

I love Christmastime. This year though, my heart hurts. I don’t recall a Christmas like this one where I honestly am looking forward to it all being over. If not for my little ones especially, I think I would just skip it. Thankfully, the Prez and some of our children decorated one afternoon while I was gone. I came home and found many things already out.

We all decorated the trees together, but a lot of things just haven’t been the same. You see, I had this wonderful dream that this home would be so special because it would be the first home where all eight of us have lived from the beginning TOGETHER.

But now, that dream has died because in all honesty so much sorrow has happened here already. The vision I had of this first Christmas in our new home, the one we dreamed of for years, didn’t work out. Since just before Thanksgiving, everything we knew to be true has been clouded with the reality that more was broken here than even we already imagined.

I know Christmas isn’t about family times only, far from it, but since 2008 and especially since 2010 it has felt like we are trying to be the family God has brought together through birth and adoption … and we just can’t quite get there.

But now I realize I can’t force it. The Prez can’t force it. Sure we are a family, but the roots I had hoped and prayed … oh how we’ve prayed (yet people will say “if you just pray”) would develop … so many of them that appeared to be there were not rooted as I thought and then others … have never taken root. I love all of our children so deeply, and that is why it hurts so much I think. When our children war against one another in one form or another, oh how it breaks a Momma’s heart.

I don’t know about anyone else, but if you like me, have dreams that have been dashed, a heart that feels like it has been broken in multiple places, a home that just is filled with reminders of all that is broken, a grief that seems almost too much to bear ... just keep holding tight to Jesus and never, never let go.

If you are suffering from a broken heart, maybe one or both of these songs will be a blessing to you.

I do sincerely wish you a Merry Christmas. May 2014 be filled to overflowing with HOPE for you. I know I’m hopeful for the sun to rise and I will continue believing in Jesus’ promises, particularly that His mercies are new every morning.


2 thoughts on “This Christmas

  1. Both of those songs are favorites of mine.
    Today, I wish that I could be the Almighty God, the Our Father in Heaven. Sounds silly, huh? If I were, I would Heal every.single.hurt that you are experiencing! I get your blog posts via email. And, I have felt your pain with the last few posts. I think (?) I know some of what your family is going through. But, I am NOT God. I don’t know anything for sure. Except for your pain. You articulate your feelings, so very well. I have struggled with commenting, not knowing what to say. Wanting to run from your pain. But, He draws me back! I do want you to know this… I am thinking about you, a lot. And, praying for your Mama-Heart. And, for your children. For protection. For the ability to forgive. For Acceptance. For Healing. I have followed your family through the fun times and through the really hard times. L, you are a special person! And, each child who dwells in your home and heart, were put there by Him. They are all so precious! Even during the times that you want to scream! Through the most difficult and painful times, the best life-lessons are learned! You may not see those valuable lessons now, but they will serve you and your family well, at some point.
    How I wish I lived next door to you! I’d sit and listen. I’d love on your Little’s. Please, know that someone is praying specifically for you and your Hubby, as you steer this “rocky boat” called parenting. Love You. ~ Jo

  2. Praying for you. Hugs:) They will grow up & mature in a few years & you will be amazed when you look back on this post at how far they have come. Hang in there and keep praying:)

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