I love Christmastime. This year though, my heart hurts. I don’t recall a Christmas like this one where I honestly am looking forward to it all being over. If not for my little ones especially, I think I would just skip it. Thankfully, the Prez and some of our children decorated one afternoon while I was gone. I came home and found many things already out.
We all decorated the trees together, but a lot of things just haven’t been the same. You see, I had this wonderful dream that this home would be so special because it would be the first home where all eight of us have lived from the beginning TOGETHER.
But now, that dream has died because in all honesty so much sorrow has happened here already. The vision I had of this first Christmas in our new home, the one we dreamed of for years, didn’t work out. Since just before Thanksgiving, everything we knew to be true has been clouded with the reality that more was broken here than even we already imagined.
I know Christmas isn’t about family times only, far from it, but since 2008 and especially since 2010 it has felt like we are trying to be the family God has brought together through birth and adoption … and we just can’t quite get there.
But now I realize I can’t force it. The Prez can’t force it. Sure we are a family, but the roots I had hoped and prayed … oh how we’ve prayed (yet people will say “if you just pray”) would develop … so many of them that appeared to be there were not rooted as I thought and then others … have never taken root. I love all of our children so deeply, and that is why it hurts so much I think. When our children war against one another in one form or another, oh how it breaks a Momma’s heart.
I don’t know about anyone else, but if you like me, have dreams that have been dashed, a heart that feels like it has been broken in multiple places, a home that just is filled with reminders of all that is broken, a grief that seems almost too much to bear ... just keep holding tight to Jesus and never, never let go.
If you are suffering from a broken heart, maybe one or both of these songs will be a blessing to you.
I do sincerely wish you a Merry Christmas. May 2014 be filled to overflowing with HOPE for you. I know I’m hopeful for the sun to rise and I will continue believing in Jesus’ promises, particularly that His mercies are new every morning.